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Peanut butter. Some psychiatrists say that people who eat peanut butter sandwiches are lonely. I guess they’re right. And when you are really lonely the peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth.There’s that cute little red headed girl eating her lunch over there. I wonder what she would do if I went over and asked her if I could sit and have lunch with her.She’d probably laugh right in my face.It’s hard on a face when it gets laughed in. There’s an empty seat next to her on the bench. There’s no reason why I couldn’t just go over and sit there. I could do that right now. All I have to do is stand up.I am standing up. I am sitting down. I am a coward. (Lots of giggles)I am so much of a coward she wouldn’t even think of looking at me. She hardly ever does look at me.In fact, I can’t remember her ever looking at me. Why shouldn’t she look at me? Is there any reason in the world why she shouldn’t look at me? Is she so great and I am so small that she can’t spare one little moment. (You're not the cause,she told herself. Yes, you are the cause, she retorted. I didn't causethis. Yeah, but you didn't stop it. Didn't stop it? I couldn't stop it!Couldn't, or didn't want to?)Her head ached as she began to feel overwhelmed with anguish and guilt.Somewhere, in the guilty part of her ruminations, the image of Sam surfacedaccusingly. Then Gemma's image floated, shaking her head, into her feveredimagination, joined by Vanessa, Helen and Maria. Genevieve, too, appearedin her mind's eye and pointed at her. "What a slag!" she said, and laughed.Others around her pointed and laughed. "Slag! Slag! Slag!" they chanted.#HAD she fallen asleep? If so, she didn't feel rested. And it was still anhour or two before dawn.She retrieved the laptop from the far side of the bed. Logging onto theapartment's security system she found the CCTV video access. She brought upthe cameras in the atrium and started to review the recordings of the lastfew hours.The image was very clear. Even in the.
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